Just to flag up for you, I set myself a couple of weird targets which have skewed this batch. One was to write jokes about tea, purely because I had a cup of tea sitting in front of me. The other was to write gags about Wales. My initial plan was to write gags about all the home nations, but I got bored after Wales and gave up.
Anyway.
Michael Jackson was buried in a gold casket with a crown on the top. I knew bankrupt people got buried in “paupers graves”, I just never realised that’s what they looked like.
500 Scottish jobs lost at contact lens plant. Maybe if they get on their hands & knees they’ll manage to find them again?
Keanu Reeves was in Dundee last week. Rivalling Scott’s ship ‘The Discovery’ as the most famous wooden sight in the city.
George Burley had to give up instilling a siege mentality in the Scotland squad when they locked him in his room & tried to starve him.
Do chocolate bar names contribute to women’s negative body image issues? It must be difficult to feel slim after eating a whole Galaxy.
I let a conman convince me I was a receptacle for hot beverages. I felt like a mug.
Girlfriend suggested we try teabagging. The doctors say the scalding to her face will soon heal.
I managed to capture one of the X-Men in my cuppa. Storm in a teacup.
Apparently Nigella Lawson, Alan Sugar, & his son were all caught in a 3some. Milf & Two Sugars. [Tea gags getting increasingly contrived]
Welsh anthem is “Land of my Fathers”. Clearly a country where mums are allowed to hedge their bets when talking to kids about their dads.
[doesn't work written] Once when I took a leek I was charged with treason. I was in Wales though.
These C-Diff infections…how did they get the name? Was the first victim a rapper from Cardiff?
Catherine Zeta Jones is often associated with the Mumbles. As people call her father-in-law since the stroke.
A lot of criminals have found comfort in Church. Though that all stopped when she met Gavin.
News of the World say Kerry Katona thinks her hubby filmed her snorting coke and is furious with him. I thought filming the wife shoving stuff into her body was how couples kept the magic alive?
I was touching my estranged girlfriend’s vagina today. True what they say. Fun to play with an ex box.
Told my girlfriend I like taking the subway. She bound me, gagged me, then dildoed my arse. If only she’d realised subway was one word.
When I was young, I was a victim of rape. I had hayfever and we lived next to a field full of it.
I was embarrassed to admit i’d misplaced one of my A-Team action figures. Nobody likes to lose Face.
‘Thought for the day’ – shouldn’t we be encouraging people to have more than one?
I used to be a professional draughts player. I’ve had a checkered past.
SHIT! I was trying to write one of those poison pen letters but I’ve just jabbed myself with the pen and now I’m going to die!
Apparently Paul Daniels only drinks those cans of draught lager that have a Wizbit in them.
A study’s found women are more afraid of spiders than men are. Until they get over that, they’re never going to play top-level snooker.
Australians enjoy mineral water filtered through Aberdonian stone. They just love Pommie Granite juice.
I was a keen amateur golfer until I turned pro. And began sucking cocks to buy crack.
Jade’s mum wants Jack Tweed to give Jade’s ring back. He should probably keep it. He might be needing a spare ring after a while on remand.
The Moors murderers – should that be classed as racially aggravated crime? And how did they time-travel back to Medieval Spain?
You can see me gigging at The Shed in Shawlands, Glasgow on Thursday, September 17th or at The Abbey in Kirkcaldy on September 26th.
You can also hear me in the ‘Five Things’ feature on MacAulay&Co on BBC Radio Scotland on Friday, September 18th. (11.05-11.30am)
Teddy x
No comments:
Post a Comment